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Something breaks. A deadline slips, a bug ships, a deploy goes sideways. So you find the person closest to it and ask the reasonable-sounding question: "What are you going to do about it?"

Here's the symptom you'll recognize: people get defensive, or they go quiet, or they start explaining why it wasn't really their fault. You walk away thinking you've got a team that can't take accountability.

The usual misdiagnosis is that they're the problem — too sensitive, too territorial, not owning their work.

But the real cause is the frame you walked in with. "What are you going to do about it?" lands as an accusation, no matter how calmly you say it. The brain on the other end hears blame and braces for impact. Collaboration was over before it started.

And no, you can't fix it by mechanically swapping "you" for "we." If you're still in confrontation mode, people feel the mismatch. The mindset has to shift before the words do.

The video walks through what curiosity actually sounds like — including a mountain biking analogy I keep coming back to.